After an extremely long absence, I am posting with the exciting news that I will soon be leaving my receptionist position, like Lindsay Bobindsay before me.  I have been accepted into an accelerated nursing program, and I am looking forward to having the snot beat out of me in rigorous training courses that begin this May.  It is very exciting news for me, since the drudgery of the last 2 years of my life has been endured just for this purpose. 

To celebrate, I’d like to take this opportunity to present the fourth installment in our Lepidoptimal Incorporated storyline!  Thanks to everyone who ever read our blog. ♥

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Also, if you need to play catch-up, here are links to the previous chapters in our harrowing administrative adventure:

Lepidoptimal 1.0

Lepidoptimal 1.1

Lepidoptimal 1.2

The innocuous ping of the elevator doors reverberated through the terrified office, followed by solid footsteps and the swish of a scaly tail.  Sagan scanned the silent, trembling crowd with yellow, smirking eyes.  Then he spoke.

“Pathetic, miserable lot, they are.  We will need to review each file, but I imagine most of them will be terminated.”

He was speaking to Malcolm, who stood behind him with a pen and pad to take notes.  Malcolm nodded without expression and continued to scribble.  Sagan appeared to have more to add, but at that moment Bos Grunnien emerged from his office on the far end of the room and cleared his throat.

Sagan flashed his sharp shiny teeth, “Ah, Mr. Grunnien.  Good morning.  I trust you have a few moments for me to speak with you.”  Without waiting for Bos’s response, Sagan slithered towards his office, ignoring the still-paralyzed staff in their cublicles as he passed.

Bos seemed unperturbed and allowed Sagan space to enter the office.  Before the door had completely closed, an eruption of nervous whispers had filled the air.  Panic quickly took over in some of the junior staff members.  Some huddled together, talking with rapid desperation, while others were already retooling their résumés or calling their financial advisers.

Bos’s door swung open unexpectedly.  Heads all turned in unison to stare as Sagan cried, “This will NOT stand!” and burst back into the room.  Bos plodded along behind him, accompanied by Serpentarius the secretary.  “Mr. Grunnien, you have made a grievous error here today, and I will see that you do regret it.”  But Bos showed no signs of distress, which caused Sagan to spit more savagely, “You have no RIGHT to abandon us at such an auspicious time!”

During this exchange, Serpentarius noticed that all the commotion that morning had caused a large amount of water to slosh out of Barnabus’s tank, and the puddle of liquid was spreading across the floor.  He immediately knelt down just beyond Bos and his angry superior, attempting with a few napkins to sop up the mess.  Sagan continued his rant.

“The audacity!  The insolence!  You cannot simply abdicate your responsibilities to this firm!  No, sir!  There will be repercussions for this!  Yes!  Malcolm, take this down!  I shall have you blacklisted from every company on the map!  You will never work again!”  As Malcolm set to scribbling, Bos took a step forward and said, “Sagan, I’ve been offered a job with Buffalo Thunder as of this morning, and  I plan to accept it.”

Sagan’s face burned with such rage that even his scales turned red.  He barked, “Traitor!  Subversive! Your betrayal knows no bounds!”  He paused.  “I supposed it is best, then.  I cannot afford to have this kind of treachery within my own walls!”  His glare traveled across the faces of a couple of cowering employees.   “I see I have no choice.  There is no telling how deep the corruption goes. Lepidoptimal must be wiped clean.”

Gasps rose from several cubicles, and Bos shook his head.  “You can’t do that, Sagan.  You will be stopped.”

Sagan laughed dryly, “Oh? And who is going to stop me, Mr. Grunnien?”

“They will stop you.”

Sagan snickered again, but his yellow eyes darted around furtively.  “Nonsense.  How could they?”

Vespa shot up from behind Bos’s big shaggy head and squeaked, “We’ll sue!”

Sagan threw his head back but only produced a weak, gurgling sound instead of a laugh this time.  He then leveled his gaze at Bos and attempted to puff up his chest in an aggressive display as he backed away.  Snarling, he made as if to turn for a dramatic exit, but he had failed to notice Serpentarius and the wet floor behind him.  The secretary scrambled to get out of the way, but Sagan has already lost his footing and begun to slide.

Admittedly, Barnabus had sloshed a lot of water, but no one could have expected that Sagan’s slippery scales would carry him as far as they did on the tile floor.  He surged headfirst into the open supply closet, crashing into the cleaning equipment and bringing an avalanche of toilet rolls and stationary onto his head.   Nelson, Bos’s assistant, happened to be standing nearby.  Acting with an uncharacteristic quickness, Nelson slammed the closet door.  Then he turned with very wide eyes to Bos.

The staff erupted in cheers.

STAY TUNED

]]> http://ialsolikebrianjacques.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/805/feed/ 2 kemawema jackhammer http://ialsolikebrianjacques.wordpress.com/2009/05/18/here-comes-yalls-newwww-faaavoriiite/ http://ialsolikebrianjacques.wordpress.com/2009/05/18/here-comes-yalls-newwww-faaavoriiite/#comments Mon, 18 May 2009 15:04:57 +0000 ialsolikebrianjacques http://ialsolikebrianjacques.wordpress.com/?p=801 ]]> HEEEEEEEEEY everybodyyyy!! lol

I am so excited to be writin’ on this blog, y’all have no idea.  Kema and I decided that Lindsay shouldn’t be able to post anymore since she’s not… y’know… one of us anymore, that is she’s not a receptionist, per se, so I’M TAKIN’ HER SPOT!!  How fun!!

A little about myself: I am a bodacious blonde from Tennessee who loves chocolate and two TV shows: As The World Turns and Angel!!  That boy is just a dreamcake, I  don’t need to tell ya.  Mr. Brian sometimes lets me watch them at work on a itty bitty TV I got myself, and I just watch it on mute.  Actually he prolly doesn’t much care either way seeing as how he’s not here and all, but you never know!  Could be one of those hidden camera shows!! Boy, don’t I wish. lol

Anyways, my dream is to have one of those little dogs you can put pigtails and lil dresses on.  They are just precious if you ask me, and I WANT me one!  This will be my way of interacting with the blog community, I will ask y’all (my readers) (ahhh!! I have readers!! Can you believe it?? So exciting!!) what I should name my new pigtail dog when I get it.

 

Isn't that cute? Imagine her with a lil ribbon on her head. (The dog, not that skinny girl. Who cares about her.)

So, what do y’all think I should name my pigtail dog when I get it?? Comment or email me and show how much y’all love my post. This is my first one! !

From Erin Hanson's 'Reminders' series

Texas here I come.  The rest, who knows.

CLICK◘HEREforNEWS◘STORY

i’ve always been fascinated by stories of genius-level impersonators, from the fantastic Frank Abagnale Jr. to the heartbreaking Frédéric Bourdin, because of the drama and adventure and rebellion they lived and i haven’t, but also because their successes confirm my sneaking suspicion that most people bluff their way through their jobs.  That this guy from California was able to dazzle the Dallas PD with his sharp, sun-streaked wit for weeks is exactly what i expect from beady-eyed Texas cops (i’ll limit my scathing remarks to police in my jurisdiction).  i am witness every day to the kind of un-backed bravado which is the bulk of these cops’ credibility, and when i imagine all the “straight-talkin” and “chaw-chewin” Officer California had to master to pull off such a crime, i think that Dallas PD probably wasn’t even worthy of his skillz.   whatever.  damn the man. save the empire. and remember: you’re always only a fake police badge and a handgun away from being on the other side of those handcuffs.

and now for another disguise, which makes about as much sense as our legal system:

    Hip                     Hip                         Hip                       Hooraaaay!

One more day here.

Saw this online and thought of me. Hope I enjoy.

One of the many treasures I’ve dug up since utilizing Google Reader to constantly stare at the world.

Feel free to submit any office art you may have created as a result of either a very boring or very stimulating job.  This assignment of “Cover an entire sheet of paper with office supplies” is one idea, but of course there are lots of options.

One thing people may not realize is that most of the time when I’m looking for secretary-related things online I come up with some reference to the film Secretary (tagline: Assume the Position).  I hesitated to mention it here because I really don’t condone the sexy secretary image, having experienced the consequences of it myself in various — including non-secretarial– jobs and having seen the counter-effects in examples provided by male friends in traditionally-female positions.  BUT read on to see why I included it here…

Apparently this story is based on the short story “Bad Behavior” by Mary Gaitskill.  It sounds like a horrific film to me, and I have not in fact seen it.  I don’t plan to, either, but I may check out the author.*   I resent the fact that this movie, in which the secretary and her lawyer boss engage in a sado-masochistic relationship, is supposed to be making a statement about the relationships between men and women on different levels in the workplace– supplemented here by the types of attire women wear… high heels, anyone?**– but the chosen review for the poster is “Very sexy.”  Clearly the social implications here are not what’s selling tickets.

So, given my disdain for sexy secretaries and the like (aside from Charlie’s sexy librarian costume for Rebecca’s and my April Fool’s Day-Half-Halloween Party… hilarious**), I’m a fan of the idea of this movie but not the way in which it has to be marketed– re-inscribing the ideas that it seeks to question.  {{An interesting thing to think about later would be whether in this or other cases marketing changes the truth of what they say about how the submissive is the one who’s really in control (this I learned from an episode of CSI:Miami), but as per usual I will save my more interesting thoughts for when I’m not constantly interrupted by phones or other tasks, i.e. when I’m trying to fall asleep.}}

At the same time I do LOOOVE Maggie Gyllenhaal, not just because she is so so cute but also because of the movies of hers that I have seen she seems to pick interesting roles/films and also she has a cute–just one cute here– brother and they are cute cute cute together (two plus one is three cutes… I feel like The Count).  This totally reflects the way both Kema and I feel about this whole ‘secretary’ thing, where we may not be huge fans of our professions but we have other projects that make us interesting, keep us sane, and provide some kind of reassurance that this is not our way of ‘being all that we can be’  (not that our other projects include the armed forces).  Just like Maggie Gyllenhaal, who is vindicated by her other performances and really should be glad this movie wasn’t her first, Kema and I have redeeming parts of our lives. No really, we do.  And no I don’t just mean the blog, jerk.

Perfect example? Stranger than Fiction, which I really liked.  Fun to watch and also her character is someone who was bound for everyday drudgery until she chose something she loved. Granted that something is an unrealistically well-off baker¤, but to add to that passion she also pays a precisely-calculated portion of her taxes in concordance with what percentage of the government’s policies she agrees with (to the delight of a hobo patron) and manages to set free the inner rocker of an IRS agent.  She may not be a secretary in this movie, but her character is someone I’d be friends with.  Everyone’s got some part of their lives that they like less than others, whether that be one particular thing you did in the past, one part of your taxes you’d rather not pay, or some aspect of your work that is– for now– less than your dream job.

*Kema, you might be interested in her book Two Girls, Fat and Thin, which according to Wikipedia is a satire of Ayn Rand.  I have not read this either, but someone who writes on wikipedia has at least read a summary of it somewhere else.

** Drag is fascinating to me.

¤ A discussion with thesocialutilitarian‘s baker friend assured me that her character’s wardrobe is also extremely unlikely for a baker– no tank tops and scarves in the kitchen.  Where’s the hairnet, Maggie Gyllenhaal? Didn’t you research this character at all? She’s a phony!